Hey Dad, it's me...

The last time I was alone with you, you were asleep. No hint of duress in your breathing, no shifting about in order to get in the most comfortable position ... and under normal circumstances it would have been as if you'd just passed out while watching your favourite sports match on TV, snoring while sitting in your leather massage chair.

A part of me was willing you to wake up, just so I could say "hi" and have you look at me, to look at me and really see me. For you to know that I was there, and had been there for a while -- had been there whenever I could during a period that had us all seemingly rushing to nowhere, fast. I had so much to say to you. But everything had been going at such a frenetic pace, it must have been almost like a circus for you in the day. So much going on, about you and around you.

It was night time, it was quiet, and you were resting. So I just sat at the foot of your bed.

The two of us in silence, exactly a year ago this moment.

I so wish I could have another.

*****

Friday is the one year anniversary of my Dad's passing. A full year has passed.

Mom has been dealing so well with the change in her life. Dad would be pleased to see that she's taken a liking to the stock channel even in his absence. His kids are all missing him, but doing okay. The son will be welcoming another baby into the family come spring; more successes and accolades have come to his younger daughter and her business, and his eldest daughter is working full time again. In management, no less - like father like daughter. I think he'd like that too. His grandbabies are no longer babies with the leader of the pack hitting the ripe old age of ten this year. Dad would have a whole lot to be proud of.

My family is getting together this weekend - I don't know if you'd call it a celebration, it just felt right to do something. What are you supposed to do at the one year mark anyway? What's right, what will feel right? I still don't even know "how" to grieve yet.

*****

All I know is this. It ain't beautifully poetic and after all those years of studying the dictionary, you'd think I could come up with something a bit better... but it's the truth:

I still really, really miss you, Dad.

Do you remember...

Just slippin' in under the wire, but I'm here! Please visit my blog gal pal Mrs. 4444 at the home of Friday Fragments.

*****

Well you know that I've been totally crushing on some young men lately - I should know better, but maybe that's what happens as you get older. The fact that I've convinced myself that my husband has an even slight resemblance to one of the hottest young actors around right now, has certainly proven that I'm living in my own fantasy version of reality.

*****

I don't know if you've heard the latest frothy dance tune from Jay Sean, but it has a distinctly reggae dance-hall influence due to the contribution of Sean Paul. I'm not one to really analyze lyrics, especially many of those from today's songs ("Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" it ain't...)

But listening to the catchy tune...

"I’ve been thinking about you
And how we used to be then
Back when we didn’t have to end we could start again"

I can't help but think of the trips that we used to take as a couple before we had kids. Fun in the sun and more fun ...just the two of us. See this? This was our first trip together about 20 years ago.


And with the advent of the kids, that part of our life did end.

*****

Last weekend the husband got this mad urge to go shopping for clothes. For himself- can you believe it? He needed a nice wool coat, and new dress pants. And he wanted my input. Of course I was only too happy to oblige. After all, my husband hates to shop, and I have what you might call a shopping "problem". To give you some perspective, he actually wore a pair of pants to work with pleats in them - they were nice pants, Hugo Boss, but shall we classify them as "vintage" as in he looked quite at home doing the "Can't touch this" dance down the hall. A colleague got the period bang -on as he pinned them as circa 1995. Carbon dated it. Yes, it's been a couple years since he's bought himself a really nice suit.

So off we went, with kids in tow. We put ourselves in the hands of a true professional salesman. He had the man try on a couple of nice wool coats. The first coat fit like a dream and the man didn't want to take it off. He did look great in it. The second one he tried on had a Euro look which brought to mind Chris Martin. Now that's more like it. They didn't have his size though.

Then he brought us over to the suit section.

Shall we say that Hugo Boss has certainly improved in 2010? Uh, YEAH.

The man slipped on a three piece charcoal number, broad shoulders, straight slim legs, no pleats in sight...he looked seriously hot. At one point I thought I could have merrily had my way with him... well, if it weren't for our kids who were using the stroller and the comfy leather club chairs to build a fort and the salesguy who would have been there to bear witness to some middle-aged crazy.

You see, the man, he still has that effect on me. Even when we're bone tired, stressed to the max with the jobs, the day to day of getting the kids into their routines ... there's still that spark even if we're too exhausted to do much about it most of the time.

But maybe that's the secret to the success of our relationship.

Our ability to remember what we were like, what we had, and to know that we've still got it.

"do you remember
All of the times we had
Let’s bring it back "

Happy New Year Fragment Style

Welcome to my first edition of Friday Fragments of 2010. Please visit my blog gal pal Mrs. 4444 at the home of Friday Fragments.

*****

So how did your first week of 2010 go?

I've got a new mantra. Not that I'm big on resolutions. But I think my husband stumbled onto something. "The home should be our sanctuary" he says. So I am trying my hardest not to be a stressbag on such a regular basis. It's tough, let me tell you. But I'll give it the old college try (where the heck did that saying come from, anyway?). My attitude so far this year? If things in life get ridiculous, just laugh about it. No stress, life's too short.

We'll see how long it lasts.

Alcohol is certainly helping.

*****

I've been thinking about what to do with this blog. There's no doubt about it - it was my slowest blog year in a long time, and I'm so tired sometimes I can barely think let alone come up with a semi-coherent post. I can't and I won't blog about work, which is occupying so much of my thoughts and time. I feel a bit out of touch with the kids and the hubby for obvious reasons. I was pretty pumped about BlogHer 10 given my 09 experience, but things have changed. I've thought about shutting it all down.

But I got an e:mail out of the blue the other day. From my sister, who knows about my blog but doesn't have the time (nor the inclination, I thought) to read it very often. And she said she enjoyed getting caught up, that it really captured how the kids had grown, and that it made her miss Dad. Miss him in a good way. I know what she meant.

So I'll keep this going. Whether I manage to write daily, or barely a post a week, I don't think I can stop. It really is too precious.

*****

I caught a few of good movies over the holidays:

"Up in the Air" with George Clooney, doing the George Clooney thing - but the ladies in the movie stole the show. Great movie. Gives a whole new meaning to work travel - I could learn a thing or two.

"The Princess and the Frog" -in old school Disney animation which I thoroughly enjoyed, perhaps more than the girlie did. She wanted to leave after the first hour (nap time). I wouldn't let her. The message, the music - it was all wonderful.

"The Hangover" - which I finally rented. O.M.G. I LOVED it! The hubs saw it when it was out in theatres, and thought I'd like it (I tend to like guy-humour way too much for a 40-ish Mom, eg. "40 year old virgin, Superbad, Knocked Up, I Love You Man, Old School, Pineapple Express"-come to mind with a giggle).

And this guy ... sigh...

I think I'd mentioned before that the hubs looked like him about 15 years ago (ouch, I know)... but I think Bradley will do okay if he turns out looking like the hubs 15 years from now. Just sayin'.

And the boy was keeping the compliment wave going, telling his dad that he looked like he was this guy's brother...


Or uncle.

Now THAT's an ouch!

*****

Happy weekend all!